healing..

Its been almost a month since I've been trying to collect the shattered pieces of my heart and put it all together. I thought that will be my end..and I was actually offered 2 options..but I chose to move on..

Although I did make a choice..and made my decision to continue..but I still didnt get over it..and whats bothering me is that its memories keep on hunting me in every conversation..every happy thought..every moment spent..I can never forget and let it go..and at the same time..I dont want to hurt in return..I want to get rid of that feeling of wanting to gain my self-worth in any way..even if I had to cause pain..at the moment..nothing will ever satisfy that feeling..nothin will..ever..

I dont want to be that person..I wana be someone who can forgive..and forget..but maybe there are things in life that can never be forgotten..especially if it hits the heart..hits it so hard..I do know that I did forgive..because if I havent..I wouldnt be able to move on..I wouldve found my escape from all of it...but I can never forget..I can never forget..

Those words Ive typed down have been ringing in my head ever since..and what is painful even more than that..is passing that pain to others..what can I do to myself to heal..where can I find my cure..my comfort..my love..my heart..

Please forgive me..I can never forget..

broken

I came back home laughing at how my night ended. In disapointment. A very huge one this time. But hey whats funny about that? I guess it was my other self laughing at me. At how pathetic I was. Deep inside, I knew that it wasn't gonna happen. My last prayer before I leave home was for it to happen if there was any good in it for me. I prayed so hard. El7imdilla, there wasn't any good so it didnt happen.

Although I did say el7imdilla a number of times, and I believed that it was for the best, it broke my heart into pieces like never before. I just slept that night thinking of it and smiling sarcastically at myself. I slept for 3 hours when I woke up and my tears exploded. It was so painful that I had to wake up and just let it out of my heart so that I could let it go..move on..and continue living..

That very specific night, I felt so worthless. Like I was nothing, and I meant nothing at all. Like everything else in the world meant something except me. I was just a piece of a worthless nothing. I woke up the very next day feelingless, like my heart was ripped out. Tears continued falling even while asleep. It actually continued for a while. El7imdilla it was Friday and I was surrounded by my family. Being surrounded by them reminded me that I wasnt worth nothing after all, at least not for my mother, father, my 3 sisters and 2 brothers, my 3 nieces, and my very best friend. I tried to put myself together for them and for myself. But it still hurts.

That night, my dream ended.. and I had to wake up.

Dear 2009,

Time:



Its crazy how you're passing by so fast. I feel like I typed the 2008 post yesterday. You make me feel like I'm running, non-stop, not being able to look back at what I've done the past hour, minute, second. You play around with us by being fast during those special moments, and slowing down when we feel the urge to cry and forget the world in a blink. As you pass by, you make me realize that I might have made wrong decisions in my life. But it also made me think of how much these decisions expanded my view towards the world, people surrounding me, and myself. For that, I am thankful.



Dear 2009,



I have faith and I'm holding on to it. I'm hoping, with all my heart, that this is my year. My year to celebrate. Whether celebrating happiness, or celebrating change. I have 2 plans, either to continue to earn a Masters Degree. Or simply celebrate. You should be the year, or else, a lot of things will need to be changed. You will determine what my 2010 post should state. You will help me find my lost self. I have so much faith in you, and I hope that you do not fail me.



My plans for 2009:



1. Get a car

2. Continue swimming

3. learn a new sports

4. Get a new laptop

5. Decide for Masters

6. Grow my hair

7. Raise an African Grey

8. Perform the 'lazik' thing for my eyes

Looking forward for a happy new year :)

back to my life

I can't remember the last time I was able to think of something other than school! But that should be my holiday's must-accomplish goal. Just to have FUN and RELAX.

>>>>>> in JAPAN!

YES, I'm supposed to travel to japan in 2 days inshallah. We're all excited to leave and discover a new place. My brother talked so much about it, and it seems to be a GREAT place! I will be the person responsible of my family (mother+sister+lil-bro) and make sure that they reach SAFE. Ofcourse I've prepared douments and maps and traslators. So hopefully, this should be an easy task. It will be inshallah.

Other than that, my life has been evolving around my work, which is the reason why I've dumped this blog. Its been on a steady pace since I started working. Work through week days..family gathering on Thursday and Friday..and meeting Mizzy on Saturday. Thats all! Which is not really bad. It makes me feel a little safe to be in some kind of a routine. Ofcourse there has been some issues going on a personal level. But el7imdilla I was able to pass through.

Not much to say.

sayoonara

My sisters

I have grown up, literally, with no role model to look up to. I have grown up, with 3 sisters, but never felt like I had one whom I would share thoughts, dreams, and issues with. I tried to know who they really are through listening to their little chit-chats with their friends, I also read few pages of their very personal diaries, and tried to sneak into their rooms and dig through their stuff. Yes I did all that, just to get familiar with my so-called sisters. They used to think that I was a little spoiled brat who does nothing but fight with her brother or hang around in streets. But the truth was, I knew everything. Every single thing.

I reached a stage where I was the one bossing them around. Do this, do that, don't do this, not that. I reached the point where I was the one giving advices about life and relationships. I felt so mature. In fact, sometimes I didn't like being mature, coz i wanted to make my own mistakes...to live a crazy careless life. But I couldn't coz I saw their mistakes, and I learned. I am still learning.

Now they're married, and my learning hasn't stopped. Their problems are now more serious, and I can't handle it anymore. I just wana ask them to stop for a minute, and remember that im their younger sister, that they should look after me..advise me..point out my mistakes...I can't deal with their issues..i have my own issues to deal with...and im so living a very peaceful life at the moment..but they're ruining it...and I can't take it anymore...you've taken away the dream of my life..and i never blamed you..not for a second..but now..i must stand up and tell you that im sorry..im out of your lives..

In the previous month, I have been selected to be a part of 2 conferences related to the area of special needs. I met a lot of wonderful people who share a passion and a belief: that people with special needs deserve better. It does show that those kinda well-known professionals did not become THAT in a day or so. It took them years of struggle and hardwork. Its not like becoming famous after building the tallest tower in the world, or paying billions for a number plate. Its the role they played in changing others' lives. To the better.

After those 2 conferences, it felt like my knowledge was just a tiny little dot in the area of special needs. Its like I have so much more to learn. But the thing is, such knowledge can never be totally gained through books or websites. Its the experience that makes it up. And I'm so willing to make the most out of my experience inshallah.

One thing I was reminded with. I have finally found my way through this great field. Its too overwhelming and I'm so thrilled with the amount of info available. Its a big world out there, and I should always keep in mind that there's the good and bad, and not get deceived with the 'good cause' which some try to hide their bad intentions behind.

I do know that there should be some limits drawn between myself and others, but I want to learn how to draw such limits myself, instead of being told what to do. Sometimes I love having my own space, where I feel free to decide whats best for me, and do it, just to feel the joy behind such an independent action, without any intention to hide it from anyone. I did not see anything wrong with exchanging knowledge. I did not see anything wrong with exchanging materials that were knowledge-related whether it was through the workshops, e-mail, or even quick conversations. Thats was my whole point. And I did not feel like such a point should be explained to anyone because that was my thing to decide. Unfortunately, such an action might be misunderstood. But I have to admit, this time it was a risk. And its not worth the risk.

updates

So after my so-called "finding NEMO" post I did manage to get involved in some activities that made my life more...interesting?

First I went to the bookstore..bought tens of books..and I had to stay away from the educational section..although I felt I was gradually being attracted to it, but NO, I managed to stay away. It felt great to get back to reading..since it was an old habit before I switched to reading actual educational books. I got connected to different aspects of my life instead of being only connected to my career life. I also was able to think of school from 'a distance'. I don't know how to explain this concept, but I mean sometimes when you get the chance to stay away from something, you get to look at it in a sorta objective way..which makes it easier for you to judge and analyze..and plan future steps..

Second, YES I am learning a new skill! and YES again it feels so great. I feel like I'm being productive. It's like studying a different course when you have a schedule full of education courses. I won't talk about it much =x

And speaking of courses..I have to admit..I miss being in UNI. Although I didn't really have friends to hang out with..or unforgetable memories..or crazy adventures..my UNI was my own territory..where I felt safe..I got to explore the world from my own spot..I really can't wait for my graduation and getting back in contact with all my classmates..friends..and teachers..but at the same time..it would mark the day in which I will..literally..leave the zoo..once and for all.

And also speaking of courses..I had this inclusion workshop today *flashback*..yes MY inclusion..but I actually didn't hear the presentor speaking of inclusion..it was mostly about different disabilities and different special needs..I also heard stories about how regular teachers are dealing with those with special needs who have been included in their classrooms. Didn't think it was positive. It revealed that teachers DO REQUIRE MUCH TRAINING. And those workshops came so late.

I miss being Tinky..whenever I open up my blog thing..i find myself clicking on my special world..I am still trapped in my career life..but I guess thats what I enjoy the most..its where I find myself...where I belong..So Mizzy..learn to accept it..read it..and comment! and by the way..I do feel that u kinda developed this thing towards children..like observing them..analyzing their actions..and perhaps being more understanding of their needs..which is positive! So you do deserve a round of applause =P & one more thing..thank you for everything =) being around you means so much to me..